i feel like i am on the razors edge of becoming bitter. thats how i feel, in spite of the fact that i am “young.” but at this point i think the very concept of “youth” is social propaganda, like religion in some ways, designed to keep us happy, keep us from thinking about death, to keep us hopeful and active. i am “young” and yet a quarter of my life is gone and i have done nothing. it took me a quarter of the entire amount of time i have been allottedto start realizing what my priorities are.
it took me 21 fucking years to get here, and for most of that time the world was teaching me the names of countries and rivers and mountain ranges, and famous men (and a disproportionate number of famous women), and “important” formulas and theories, essentially misdirecting my attentions, so that having completed the first quarter of my life, i would be set up to fulfill the next 2 quarters of my life mindlessly pursuing their ends. and then i get my retirement, the final quarter of my life where i sit by as my body fails where i bask bask in my “accomplishments” and say wise fucking things to the new “youth.”
but in spite of all this i have begun figuring out my priorities, 1/4 of the way in. Which is kinda bullshit, that should be what they try to help you figure out in school. Anyhow, they are:
- To have honest, caring, emotionally grounded, growing, fluid, relationships based in mutual respect, awareness, and acceptance and built around continued self-disclosure and shared experience, with the few people that I find who both capable of that, and who are otherwise compelling to me as individuals.
- To see the world with those people, traveling, exploring culture and the natural world, art, pushing boundaries of experience. assuming that life is a one time deal, (which is the safest assumption you can make) thats the only way to get your money’s worth.
- To minimize suffering in the world with my unique talents and skills in a way that is meaningful to me.
put simply, to love, to experience, to serve. This is what I believe will make me happy, this is what give my life some sort of purpose. but I fear i am on the verge of becoming bitter, or at the very least disillusioned which is the first step towards being bitter. i’m not there yet but im afraid.
i’m afraid because the people i have come to love are across the country, or they are choosing a different path than i, one that is minimally compatible or they fall prey to their own weaknesses to the point where they cannot function i can no longer do anything for them.
i’m afraid because of my own weaknesses, my own fears, my own comfort zone. to dive into the world is not so easily done as it is said, especially when the people i had sought to dive in with are not the steadfast anchors that would give me the confidence to make my move.
i’m afraid because although i know i have a lot to give, i don’t know if the world will have it. i want to have an impact, make a dent in something that matters.
but fuck if this doesnt start moving somewhere that i want to go, i’m afraid im going to get bitter. i’m not there yet, im still “young” and hopeful and naive. in theory all of my priorities can coexist and create something unified - there are no inherent conflicts, but i just have this sinking feeling that reality plays out a little less simply.